Post by mike on Oct 1, 2006 15:27:09 GMT -5
(We join Jonas Wyatt Thomas Franklin McKidd, Jeremiah “Frog” Jones and Seventh Sense Production Company Limited’s official gopher Biff Mongo as they are sitting on benches in a hallway that leads to the entrance of a large lecture hall in a major American university. They all appear quite bored, with McKidd pacing back and forth impatiently, Mongo making some sandwiches with meat, cheese and bread taken out of a picnic basket at his feet and Jones engrossed in his Nintendo DS Lite. A meek reporter walks into the scene and he approaches Jones … )
Meek Reporter: Excuse me, are you Jeremiah Jones?
Jones: …
Meek Reporter: *Ahem* ARE YOU …
McKidd: Won’t do ya no good, pal. He’s has his eyes glued to that thing for the past week. Hell, he won’t even eat unless we feed ‘im his meals through a straw.
Meek Reporter: Well perhaps you can help me then. I am with Entertainment Weekly and I’m here to do a piece on Tommy Fiero. Could you perhaps tell me where he is?
Mongo: (Thrusting a sloppy sandwich into the face of the reporter. It does not look even remotely edible) Ya want a sammich?
McKidd: Not now Biff. Fiero’s in that there lecture hall, but he should be out in a moment.
Meek Reporter: Splendid! I can’t begin to tell you how hard Tommy has been to track down!
McKidd: Yeah, we’ve been pretty busy promoting the film and all. Word to the wise though buddy; call him Thomas or Mr. Fiero, he gets pretty sore when ya call ‘im Tommy.
(The conversation is broken up when one Thomas R. Fiero flings the doors to the lecture hall open. He is covered head to toe in what appears to be blood and bits of entrails, and is flanked on either side by Captain Kickass and Red Coogan. Inside the large room behind him horrified screams fill the air and you can just make out a wrestling ring in the center of the room, where what look to be two Amazon Indians are feasting on some kind of raw meat, just before the door slams shut)
Meek Reporter: My god, what in the world was going on in there?
Fiero: Hey, who are you?
Meek Reporter: Hello Thomas, I’m with Entertainment Weekly and I’d like to borrow a moment of your time to talk about your upcoming film.
Fiero: Entertainment Weekly? (Groans and walks right past him)
(The meek reporter is stunned at being brushed off like this and McKidd moves in to ease the sting of rejection)
McKidd: (Whispering) He kinda made up his mind that he’d only do interviews for magazines that have naked or near naked girls in ‘em. Ya know, Maxim, Playboy, that kinda stuff.
Meek Reporter: (Nodding that he understands and then trailing after Fiero, who has just slapped away one of Mongo’s sandwiches. He begins to wipe the gore from his body as his attention is diverted) You know, Scarlett Johannson is featured wearing a particularly revealing evening gown in this week’s edition …
Fiero: (Raising an eyebrow) Eh?
Meek Reporter: The stunning young ingénue who is starring in “The Black Dahlia”?
Fiero: Yeah dude, I know who she is. Problem is she slapped me in the face when I asked her and Kiera Knightley to go ass to ass at my latest party, so she’s not exactly high on my list of starlets at the moment.
Meek Reporter: What did Ms. Knightley say?
Fiero: (Shrugs)
Meek Reporter: Interesting! (Scribbles furiously into his notepad)
Fiero: So, c’mon dude, make it quick and ask your questions. I got … stuff to do. (Rubs his nose compulsively and then picks what looks to be a tooth out of his hair, flinging it derisively at Mongo)
Meek Reporter: Well, first off, what was going on in the room behind you? Are you filming scenes for a , dare I say it, possible SEQUEL??!
Fiero: Nah man, that’s just part of my promotional tour. I’m visiting wrestling promotions around the world hyping my movie. You know, since it’s about wrestling and all … kind of …
Meek Reporter: You mean that was a WRESTLING MATCH?
Fiero: Yeah, you didn’t see the ring?
Meek Reporter: Well, yes, but … it was so GORY!
Fiero: Yeah, that’s Yanamano Pro for ya. This anthropology student from U Cal-Berkeley stumbled across it in the DEEPEST DARKEST REACHES OF THE AMAZON (wiggles his fingers and makes with the OOOOOO scary sound to get this over to the reporter) while doing some paper on the savagery of primitive man, or something.
Meek Reporter: Ohhh, c’mon, you are pulling my leg!
Fiero: You don’t believe me? Get on in there and tell Ooteeni and Yub Yub that!
Meek Reporter: Who?
Fiero: The stars of Yanamano Pro! Goddamn son, keep up! Said anthropology student, upon seeing them in action in the Amazon, saw his chances at getting a C on his master thesis go up to an A. So he boxed them up, after gassing their entire tribe, and hauled them off to civilization to be presented in front of snobby intellectuals in lecture halls at the finest universities.
Meek Reporter: So, they wrestle and he is writing his thesis about it? Lowbrow, maybe, but not exactly the height of savagery.
Fiero: Ahhhh, but you haven’t heard the best part! See, Yanamano Pro match losers are EATEN ALIVE!!
Meek Reporter: (Gulps) And, where do the losers come from?
Fiero: Unwitting students looking to make a quick buck, usually in your usual “get paid twenty bucks to test hair removal creams” kind of thing. They are also gassed, dressed up like well-to-do American adventurers and then woken up after being deposited in the ring. It’s a smash, baby.
Meek Reporter: So, the meat those … cannibals were eating was …
Fiero: The Wandering Botanist and Buxom Bleached Blonde #3!
Meek Reporter: Oh my …
Fiero: Ahhh, it’s okay. They were shitty students anyways, probably destined to a life of licking envelopes and/or sleazy Vegas businessman. I mean hey, you gotta cut the chaff at some point, right? Can’t all be auteurs like yours truly. (Big smile)
Meek Reporter: And, you were a part of this why?
Fiero: (Groans) I already told you, I’m touring wrestling promotions to shill my movie. (Whispers) I’d much rather be talking about it with, you know, REAL PEOPLE, instead of the rattle that watches this crap, but hey, it’s part of the process …
Meek Reporter: I … I don’t know if I …
Fiero: If you can interview me? Pfffft … pussy. Look dude, I’m booked on about … how many is it Jonas?
McKidd: (Calling out from across the room) I think we are at twenty, bro!
Fiero: Yeah, twenty talk shows next week, including Larry King and Oprah. THEY seem to think I am a visionary, THEY seem to think my film is the perfect marriage of lowbrow American culture and an daring indictment of Capitalism. THEY have been clamoring to book me ever since hearing about the tactics that I used to break the film to the public, INNOVATIVE marketing that advanced film advertising by at least ten years …
McKidd: Twenty!
Fiero: Is it twenty now? I lose track of the accolades …
McKidd: Yup!
Fiero: Okay, twenty it is then. MY POINT BEING, Mr. Entertainment Weekly reporter, that while your rag is busy compiling top twenty lists of what’s hot, hemming and hawing about whether or not it should feature I, STUDENT OF SHAMYLAN, THE AUTEUR THOMAS R. FIEROOOOOOOO …..sorry, wrestling carnie promo mode there …
Meek Reporter: (No response other than his jaw hanging open)
Fiero: That I am endeavoring to become the greatest showman since Orson Fucking Welles. AND SUCCEEDING. So, ya don’t think you can write about me, your loss buddy. (Flicks the now blood soaked towel onto the reporter’s head) Try not to get your snotty man sobs all over the newsstand as you reach past mag after mag with MY PICTURE ON IT while you are looking for the Help Wanted papers …
(And with that Tommy snaps his fingers, bringing his entourage to attention, save for Jones, who is still deeply involved with his DS)
Fiero: C’mon Jer, I got a hankerin’ for In and Out burger action. Rare, for some odd reason ... and damnit, Biff THROW THOSE NASTY SAMMICHES AWAY FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
(Jones hears this, and follows the group, eyes still glued to the game he’s playing, as they leave the area, shaking their head at the reporter who stands there, bloody towel over his head)
Meek Reporter: Excuse me, are you Jeremiah Jones?
Jones: …
Meek Reporter: *Ahem* ARE YOU …
McKidd: Won’t do ya no good, pal. He’s has his eyes glued to that thing for the past week. Hell, he won’t even eat unless we feed ‘im his meals through a straw.
Meek Reporter: Well perhaps you can help me then. I am with Entertainment Weekly and I’m here to do a piece on Tommy Fiero. Could you perhaps tell me where he is?
Mongo: (Thrusting a sloppy sandwich into the face of the reporter. It does not look even remotely edible) Ya want a sammich?
McKidd: Not now Biff. Fiero’s in that there lecture hall, but he should be out in a moment.
Meek Reporter: Splendid! I can’t begin to tell you how hard Tommy has been to track down!
McKidd: Yeah, we’ve been pretty busy promoting the film and all. Word to the wise though buddy; call him Thomas or Mr. Fiero, he gets pretty sore when ya call ‘im Tommy.
(The conversation is broken up when one Thomas R. Fiero flings the doors to the lecture hall open. He is covered head to toe in what appears to be blood and bits of entrails, and is flanked on either side by Captain Kickass and Red Coogan. Inside the large room behind him horrified screams fill the air and you can just make out a wrestling ring in the center of the room, where what look to be two Amazon Indians are feasting on some kind of raw meat, just before the door slams shut)
Meek Reporter: My god, what in the world was going on in there?
Fiero: Hey, who are you?
Meek Reporter: Hello Thomas, I’m with Entertainment Weekly and I’d like to borrow a moment of your time to talk about your upcoming film.
Fiero: Entertainment Weekly? (Groans and walks right past him)
(The meek reporter is stunned at being brushed off like this and McKidd moves in to ease the sting of rejection)
McKidd: (Whispering) He kinda made up his mind that he’d only do interviews for magazines that have naked or near naked girls in ‘em. Ya know, Maxim, Playboy, that kinda stuff.
Meek Reporter: (Nodding that he understands and then trailing after Fiero, who has just slapped away one of Mongo’s sandwiches. He begins to wipe the gore from his body as his attention is diverted) You know, Scarlett Johannson is featured wearing a particularly revealing evening gown in this week’s edition …
Fiero: (Raising an eyebrow) Eh?
Meek Reporter: The stunning young ingénue who is starring in “The Black Dahlia”?
Fiero: Yeah dude, I know who she is. Problem is she slapped me in the face when I asked her and Kiera Knightley to go ass to ass at my latest party, so she’s not exactly high on my list of starlets at the moment.
Meek Reporter: What did Ms. Knightley say?
Fiero: (Shrugs)
Meek Reporter: Interesting! (Scribbles furiously into his notepad)
Fiero: So, c’mon dude, make it quick and ask your questions. I got … stuff to do. (Rubs his nose compulsively and then picks what looks to be a tooth out of his hair, flinging it derisively at Mongo)
Meek Reporter: Well, first off, what was going on in the room behind you? Are you filming scenes for a , dare I say it, possible SEQUEL??!
Fiero: Nah man, that’s just part of my promotional tour. I’m visiting wrestling promotions around the world hyping my movie. You know, since it’s about wrestling and all … kind of …
Meek Reporter: You mean that was a WRESTLING MATCH?
Fiero: Yeah, you didn’t see the ring?
Meek Reporter: Well, yes, but … it was so GORY!
Fiero: Yeah, that’s Yanamano Pro for ya. This anthropology student from U Cal-Berkeley stumbled across it in the DEEPEST DARKEST REACHES OF THE AMAZON (wiggles his fingers and makes with the OOOOOO scary sound to get this over to the reporter) while doing some paper on the savagery of primitive man, or something.
Meek Reporter: Ohhh, c’mon, you are pulling my leg!
Fiero: You don’t believe me? Get on in there and tell Ooteeni and Yub Yub that!
Meek Reporter: Who?
Fiero: The stars of Yanamano Pro! Goddamn son, keep up! Said anthropology student, upon seeing them in action in the Amazon, saw his chances at getting a C on his master thesis go up to an A. So he boxed them up, after gassing their entire tribe, and hauled them off to civilization to be presented in front of snobby intellectuals in lecture halls at the finest universities.
Meek Reporter: So, they wrestle and he is writing his thesis about it? Lowbrow, maybe, but not exactly the height of savagery.
Fiero: Ahhhh, but you haven’t heard the best part! See, Yanamano Pro match losers are EATEN ALIVE!!
Meek Reporter: (Gulps) And, where do the losers come from?
Fiero: Unwitting students looking to make a quick buck, usually in your usual “get paid twenty bucks to test hair removal creams” kind of thing. They are also gassed, dressed up like well-to-do American adventurers and then woken up after being deposited in the ring. It’s a smash, baby.
Meek Reporter: So, the meat those … cannibals were eating was …
Fiero: The Wandering Botanist and Buxom Bleached Blonde #3!
Meek Reporter: Oh my …
Fiero: Ahhh, it’s okay. They were shitty students anyways, probably destined to a life of licking envelopes and/or sleazy Vegas businessman. I mean hey, you gotta cut the chaff at some point, right? Can’t all be auteurs like yours truly. (Big smile)
Meek Reporter: And, you were a part of this why?
Fiero: (Groans) I already told you, I’m touring wrestling promotions to shill my movie. (Whispers) I’d much rather be talking about it with, you know, REAL PEOPLE, instead of the rattle that watches this crap, but hey, it’s part of the process …
Meek Reporter: I … I don’t know if I …
Fiero: If you can interview me? Pfffft … pussy. Look dude, I’m booked on about … how many is it Jonas?
McKidd: (Calling out from across the room) I think we are at twenty, bro!
Fiero: Yeah, twenty talk shows next week, including Larry King and Oprah. THEY seem to think I am a visionary, THEY seem to think my film is the perfect marriage of lowbrow American culture and an daring indictment of Capitalism. THEY have been clamoring to book me ever since hearing about the tactics that I used to break the film to the public, INNOVATIVE marketing that advanced film advertising by at least ten years …
McKidd: Twenty!
Fiero: Is it twenty now? I lose track of the accolades …
McKidd: Yup!
Fiero: Okay, twenty it is then. MY POINT BEING, Mr. Entertainment Weekly reporter, that while your rag is busy compiling top twenty lists of what’s hot, hemming and hawing about whether or not it should feature I, STUDENT OF SHAMYLAN, THE AUTEUR THOMAS R. FIEROOOOOOOO …..sorry, wrestling carnie promo mode there …
Meek Reporter: (No response other than his jaw hanging open)
Fiero: That I am endeavoring to become the greatest showman since Orson Fucking Welles. AND SUCCEEDING. So, ya don’t think you can write about me, your loss buddy. (Flicks the now blood soaked towel onto the reporter’s head) Try not to get your snotty man sobs all over the newsstand as you reach past mag after mag with MY PICTURE ON IT while you are looking for the Help Wanted papers …
(And with that Tommy snaps his fingers, bringing his entourage to attention, save for Jones, who is still deeply involved with his DS)
Fiero: C’mon Jer, I got a hankerin’ for In and Out burger action. Rare, for some odd reason ... and damnit, Biff THROW THOSE NASTY SAMMICHES AWAY FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
(Jones hears this, and follows the group, eyes still glued to the game he’s playing, as they leave the area, shaking their head at the reporter who stands there, bloody towel over his head)