Jenny/Twinky: "@#$%!!!!"

[Joe Snack Road]

Jenny McLanahan stormed through the home angrily, before entering the kitchen – Twinky was waiting, and greeted her with a simple goofy wave before shoveling another spoonful of cereal into his mouth, and she greeted him by throwing an iPod at high velocities against a wall. The high-tech toy shatters, and Twinky stops chewing long enough to look at it, then back to his sister, who’s face was nearly as red as her hair…

“SONS OF BITCHES!” she exclaims, continuing, “I can’t believe it! Those fuckers! The whole VWA thing was FAKE!”

“Well, it was on after House,” Twinky says, before shoveling more cereal into his mouth, continuing through the cinnamon toast crunch, “Id had do be fayk.”

“That’s NOT THE POINT!” she continues, “But, everything! The web postings, the news bites on the internets, the Colbert Report report, Fox and Fox News covering it, hijacking CNN! And the VWA is FAKE!”

“Wait – it wasn’t wrestling?”

“No, it was, but it’s fake!”

“What was? The wrestling?”

“No, the story!”

“Well, it WAS on after House.”

“That’s not my point!”

“Is House fake?”

“What?”

“Is that guy not a real doctor?”

“TOTALLY NOT MY POINT! The VWA is fake, the whole “Moon Being” invasion thingy, that wasn’t real, it was just some sort of promotional thingy to promote a movie!”

“…but House is real?” he asks, concerned.

“Uh,” she replies, pausing, “Sure.”

“Oh, that’s good. I’d be pissed if he wasn’t a real doctor.”

“…”

“He’s a good doctor. Very brash and mean, but that’s okay if he can make me feel better.”

“…”

“Y’know,” he says, pausing, and waving the spoon around for effect, “My knees haven’t been feeling so hot lately. I wonder if he does athletic injuries.”

“ANYWAYS,” she interrupts, “The VWA is FAKE!”

“But it was on TV,” he argues.

“Yeah, but-“

“So, it was a TV show.”

“Yeah, but-“

“Which means it wasn’t real, right?”

“Except, it was supposed to be real!”

“But it wasn’t?”

“Right!”

“…which part is supposed to piss me off again?”

“They, uh… they said House is fake!”

“…those sons of bitches.”

“And, uh, they wanna come to McPro!”

“THAT’S IT!” Twinky yells, slamming his hands against the table, “McLanahan Pro has ZERO tolerance for people who’ll go on and call the accomplishments of Dr. Gregory House fake! That man is a respected medical doctor, who’s charm comes from his unending mockery of his fellow doctors! They wanna come to McLanahan Pro? Well, then they can face Bak Fu!”

“…That’s, uh, that’s not quite what I’m thinking, maybe you could, uh, give ‘em a stern talking to or something.”

“Y’know,” he says, calming down a bit, “That’ll probably do. We’ll just be all ‘hey you guys’ and then tell them that what they did makes people sad. That’ll cut the mustard, sure.”

“I’m not sure this went any way I meant it…”

This scene fades, ‘coz I’m just screwing around now.

[mike]

(Scene opens in the spacious living room area of a palatial mansion in the Hollywood Hills, it’s location confirmed by the fact that the famous Hollywood sign can be seen just outside the window. It’s a who’s who of the motion picture industry’s glitterati, milling about talking about upcoming projects while sipping away at whatever drinks are trendy at the moment as the band Los Straitjackets plays Leonard Cohen tunes in the background. To continue the theme of honoring the movie that is about to be released, the waiters in attendance are all dressed in mockup Lunabot costumes and it is the interaction between one of them and the man of the hour that is the focus of the beginning of this spot …)

Lunawaiter: (Holding forth a plate of salmon puffs to Tommy Fiero) I’M SORRY SIR DOES THIS NOT MEET YOUR SATISFACTION?

Fiero: (Scrunching up his nose) Gah, no! What in the hell are those things?

Lunawaiter: SALMON PUFFS SIR.

Fiero: (Picks one up off the tray, sniffs it, makes a face and throws it across the room where it lands right in the hair of Carmen Electra, who has styled her hair to resemble the Negadome. Tommy doesn’t notice, although the woman standing next to him, one Leeza Gibbons, does. Her reaction is priceless, her mouth falling agape) No, no, no, this is not a salmon puff. It should be light, and cheesy with just a hint of salmon and in puff form. You know, like a cheeto!

Lunawaiter: CHEETOS DO NOT COME IN SALMON FLAVOR SIR.

Fiero: Well, fuck! Call up who ever makes Cheetos and tell ‘em I want a salmon puff!

Lunawaiter: AS YOU WISH, ANYTHING ELSE SIR?

Fiero: Yeah, where are my Slice cubes? And none of that Slice One shit, I like sugar in ‘em!

Lunawaiter: I’M SORRY SIR BUT THE KITCHEN IS FRESH OUT OF SLICE.

Fiero: (Grabbing the Lunawaiter by the collar) Well then I suggest you get you clankity metal ass down to the nearest 7-11 and GET me some so my goldschlager doesn’t get warm. (Holds up a glass of the vile cinnamon schnapps, the ice cubes nearly melted away)

Lunawaiter: Right away sir …

(Throughout the entire exchange Leeza Gibbons has stood by shocked at how Tommy has treated the help, but she quickly changes to a more impassive expression as Tommy whips around to resume their conversation. He’s all smiles, like nothing just happened)

Gibbons: Is that, was that … really a robot?

Fiero: (Laughing) Nahhhh, we just dressed up some inner city youth in these leftover costumes from the movie, fixed ‘em up with these wacky voice boxes and gave them serving trays. You know, it’s all promotional stuff.

Gibbons: Well, that must make them feel very important …

Fiero: So anyways, like I was saying, I don’t really HAVE a girlfriend per se, although I have gotten my fair share of offers, if you know what I’m saying! (Laughs obnoxiously while playfully jabbing her in the ribs with his elbow) Ah? AH?? Yeahhhhh…

Gibbons: So is there no one in the life of Tommy Fiero?

Fiero: Thomas.

Gibbons: Sorry, Thomas.

Fiero: No big, although it’s like the tenth time you’ve done that now, just sayin’. And no, I’m too busy with my starlets, man, they keep a guy busy … (takes a big gulp off his drink and scans the room, whistling through his teeth at Pamela Anderson as she walks by) Whoo! Yeah!

Gibbons: Well, what lovely ingénue is Thomas R. Fiero spending the most time with these days? Christina Ricci? Scarlett Johannson?

Fiero: (Tommy violently shakes his head no, like kid refusing broccoli. He’s kinda drunk, if you can’t tell) No, no, no, Leeza, you got it all wrong. Not Hollywood MOVIE starlets, Hollywood PORN starlets!

Gibbons: Oh my …

Fiero: Yeah, I mean, don’t get me wrong, those girls are pretty and all, but they fucking SUCK in the sack, and I’m not being literal at all! TOTAL dead lays, you know what I mean? (Leeza’s mouth hangs open) YEAAAAH, you know what I mean. But these porn chicks man, they do EVERYTHING!! Hot carls, tea bagging, piledrivers, not the wrestling kind although they aren’t adverse to that either, dirty sanchez, you name it!

Gibbons: (Makes a telephone ringing noise while covering her mouth) Just a moment, Tommy, that’s my phone. (Reaches into her purse for a cell phone) John, so nice to hear from you! (Raises a finger to Tommy and mouthing to him that she’ll just be a moment) Oh no, John, that’s horrible, of course, I’ll be right there. (Hangs up the phone)

Fiero: So, like I was saying, these girls, just as hot as these so called movie dream queens, but they are just so much better, so FLEXIBLE! I mean, check out my personal favorite of the moment, one Riley Mason, man, that girl is like Winona Ryder with a deep throat fetish, SO cute …

Gibbons: (Walking away rather hurriedly) LOVE to stay and chat Thomas but, ummm, John Tesh is having a personal crisis and stuff! Sorry!

(Tommy looks dejected for all of a few seconds before turning back to the room with a big smile on his face)

Fiero: Whoo! Yeah! WHO WANTS TO PARTAAAAYYYYYYY?!?!

(While Tommy is looking to bug people in the room, most who are politely trying to ignore him by having conversations with other folks, or ferns, or the piano, a weasely looking man in a sharkskin suit rushes up to him accompanied by a man who looks like a McPro RIG, mic in hand)

Hymie Weasel: Thomas! So glad I found you.

(Tommy turns around, completely soused.)

Fiero: Me too! Holy shit Hymie, just in fucking time!

(Hymie looks surprised at this reaction, but Tommy doesn’t give him a chance to say whatever it is he was going to say, thrusting his empty glass into his face)

Fiero: You see this glass, buddy? It’s EMPTY, do something about it … (to the McPro RIG) ehhh, who in the hell are you?

RIG: Tommy Fiero! I’ve been sent from McLanahan Pro Wrestling to get your thoughts on your upcoming run with the company?

Fiero: (Placing a finger over the mouth of the RIG) SHHHHHH! It’s Thomas, buddy …

RIG: Sorry! Well, what are your thoughts?

Fiero: (Looking over his shoulder at a pair of scantily clad lasses who have just entered the room) Eh? On what?

RIG: Your upcoming debut in McPro! Your big reveal that the V.W.A. was nothing but a movie has the wrestling world mildly buzzing! McPro’s owner Twinky McLanahan himself seems to be moderately concerned about the implications your arrival could have on his company!

Fiero: (Raising an eyebrow) Yeah? Where in the hell is my drink?

RIG: Do you have anything to say about the possibility that you will have to face Bak Fu in the immediate future?

Fiero: What in the hell is a Bak Fu?

RIG: Why, Mr. Headdrop himself! He took the UWH Champion himself to his very limits this past summer in what some are calling the match of the year!

Fiero: Wait a minute, wrestling?

RIG: Wait, I’m confused, are you meaning to say you aren’t in the least bit concerned about maybe wrestling a talent like Bak Fu?

(At this moment Hymie Weasel comes back, holding a drink in each hand. He hands one to Tommy, and begins to sip off the other, only to see Tommy down the first in one shot and grab the other right out of his hand. Hymie’s reaction is priceless)

Fiero: Dude, I don’t know anything about Korean food and I don’t care how spicy it is, I COULD HANDLE IT!!!

RIG: No, no, I was talking about Bak Fu the wrestler, one of the most feared men in all of wrestling …

Fiero: Awwww man, wrestling again? Dude, that shit is so fucking passé …

(Hymie’s eyes go wide as he makes a cutting motion across his throat to signal that Tommy really doesn’t want to continue with this train of thought. Amazingly, he gets the hint with an exaggerated “AHHHH, OK!” reaction)

Fiero: I mean, yeah! Whoo! And all that, yeah, I’ll be happy to eat some Bak Fu when I come to McLanahan Pro in the coming weeks to promote my movie.

(Hymie whispers something in Tommy’s ear)

Fiero: (Whispering that drunk whisper back) You mean he’s a WRESTLER?!?

(Hymie shakes his head yes and steps back, looking around for a Lunawaiter with a drink tray)

Fiero: (Laughing and laying an arm on the RIG’s shoulder) Oh! Man! Boy, am I embarrassed! You wouldn’t believe how often this happens to me!

RIG: (Icy cold) I can just imagine.

Fiero: No really, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make a mockery of your fine restaurant themed wrestling promotion. I look forward to sampling your French fries and fried cheeseburgers while I am there extolling the virtues of everything that makes pro wrestling great! (Cheesy smile) Really, this is why I made this movie, to HONOR pro wrestling, to do it the justice it deserves unlike other movies that have only embarrassed it.

RIG: Right, well that’s one of the reasons I am here to speak with you today. Some people are feeling a little betrayed by the promotional tactics you have used in making this film, pretending like the V.W.A. was real, scaring the bejeesus out of people with your ‘War of the Worlds’ themed broadcasts, basically using a bunch of carnie tricks to get people interested in what looks to be a real mess of a film.

Fiero: DUDE! Have you seen the trailer?!?!?!?! This movie is going to ROCK!

RIG: Yes, actually, I have, and hard working wrestlers around the country are claiming you are making a mockery of the sport they hold so dear.

Fiero: Psshhhhh, dude, like I said, I am doing this BECAUSE of my love for pro wrestling, man, it’s not like I just up and decided a year ago to give up playing in a Van Halen tribute band and take up wrestling on a whim, you know? Man, I have been a fan of this sport all my life, watching great wrestlers like Axe Duggan and …

RIG: You mean Hulk ….

Fiero: (Placing a hand over the mouth of the RIG) No, AXE DUGGAN. Just using his real name is like, just inviting a lawsuit. Anyways, man, I grew up on this stuff and kept watching all these shitty wrestling movies and decided that I WANTED TO MAKE THE TITANIC OF WRESTLING MOVIES!!!

(He said the last part really loud and it draws the attention of surrounding celebs, who look really embarrassed to be associated with him, to which Tommy responds with a Whoo! Yeah!)

Fiero: And, you know, that’s why I’m going on this tour, all over the world to every and any wrestling promotion, to show my love for pro wrestling by talking about my movie, wrestling for the fans, and looking for talent for the inevitable sequel!! McPro, Spunk Pro, NDP, you NAME it!

RIG: But what if you aren’t particularly well received? Like I’ve said, there are a lot of people that feel you are making a mockery of the sport.

Fiero: Dude, not gonna happen. I mean, I’ll bring security of course, Captain Kickass and Red Coogan always have my back, and my good buddies Jeremiah Jones and Jonas McKidd are never too far behind. But really, when people see how sincere I am, how much I want to honor this totally awesome sport in the spirit of rockin’ good will, they are going to understand!

RIG: Again, what about the possibility of facing Bak Fu? Twinky McLanahan has thrown his name out there as a man he may book you against, to teach you a lesson.

Fiero: I don’t know a thing about him!

(The RIG pulls out a portable DVD player on which plays footage of Bak Fu vs. Twinky McLanahan. It’s a BRUTAL match, as many of you know. Fiero makes with a disgusted face)

Fiero: Nah man, I wont be wrestling him. Look at those tights! They totally clash with my ring gear, nah, maybe if he does something about that but otherwise, no way.

RIG: You are refusing to wrestle a man based on his ring attire?

Fiero: Well, that and the mask. Masks don’t play well on camera, can’t see the actor emote. Tell you what, if Fak Choo agrees to go to my personal wardrobe man before a match, I will be happy to wrestle him. Otherwise, not a chance.

RIG: It’s Bak Fu. And what do you mean, on camera? Isn’t that up to McPro’s TV crew how you are attired, as if that even mattered …

Fiero: Nah, I don’t really care about McPro TV, or Spunk Pro TV or anyone else’s TV for that matter. It’s MY movie cameras that I’m worried about dude, making sure we get the best possible footage of ME in action, I mean, I am the star, you know?

RIG: My god, you are going to get massacred …

(Before Tommy can respond Hymie Weasel slaps him in the arm to draw his attention to a pair of beautiful brunettes who have just walked into the room. Tommy turns his shoulder on the rig, completely blowing him off as he makes his way towards the lovely ladies)

Fiero: Taryn! Riley! Ohhh, man! You’re EARLY!!

(And as Tommy grabs both of them around the waist and leads them into a different room, Hymie Weasel steps up to the RIG and presents a business card)

Weasel: I would like to ask you in the future to make an appointment before seeking out an interview with Thomas R. Fiero. He’s quite a busy man, and is just paranoid enough to take out the knees of trespassing individuals like yourself with a Tommy Gun. Nothing personal.

(The RIG does not respond, turning on one heel and storming out of the room, looking angry as hell. From somewhere off in the mansion can be heard the delighted Whoo! Yeah! of a happy Tommy Fiero as the scene comes to a close)