Post by mike on Jul 10, 2006 19:05:14 GMT -5
(On a night blessed with clear skies you, the loyal viewers of McLanahan Pro Wrestling, are privy to an odd scene. Located in a valley in an unknown location illuminated by the light of a full moon lies what appears to be a vast obstacle course. Within this course hundreds and hundreds of strange looking plywood cutouts are arranged in random fashion, their fronts painted crudely with white paint and given the appearance of having a gaping maw lined with menacing fangs. Also scattered throughout the course are cardboard cutouts of various celebrities, the kind lonely people acquire to dress up their one bedroom apartments with as they dream of a life more interesting than their own.
But, to make this scene even more strange, these lifesize celebrity cutouts are in various stages of disrepair, sending sporadic spurts of a dark red liquid high into the night air from their missing limbs and heads. It is amongst this mock carnage that you notice Team Ryder's very own Frog Jones forging his way through at a rapid pace, his face and body stained with red as he splits one plywood beast after another with quick, short elbow strikes on his way to the finish line atop a hill where a stern looking Captain Kickass watches, and waits....)
Jones: (Collapsing at the feet of Kickass, his breathing labored) How was that?
Kickass: Better....but still unacceptable! You better your time every time through, soldier, but civilian casualites increase incrementally!
Jones: (Sitting back and supporting his weight on his arms) With all due respect, sir, I thought this training was about fighting a horde of moon demons, not protecting celebrity cutouts...
Kickass: What you are fighting in this simulation are Moon Beasts! If you were fighting the same amount of Moon Demons there is not an army on earth that could aid you to victory!
Jones: Right....
Kickass: Do not mock me, soldier! And do not forget that defeating the forces of evil always comes secondary to saving the people of Earth, no matter what the cost!
Jones: But, they're everywhere! How am I supposed to protect everyone and keep safe myself?
Kickass: I managed to do so, in an arena filled with the beasts!
Jones: There's no way there was that many there...
Kickass: And then some! They were as one, marching upon the ring where Tommy Fiero fought for our salvation! As many as you see here and then thousands more, gnashing their horrific fangs as they tore through all that stood in their way!
Jones: But you saved so few....
Kickass: In combat, we do the best we can with the resources we have on hand! And there were not many that day! I had inadaquete time to prepare my troops, some of whom did not want to fight in the first place! I can say in all confidence we did our best that fateful day and have learned so much more because of what we went through!
Jones: Like, packing heat?
Kickass: Precisely! We have also learned that, despite their granite like hides and razor sharp tooth lined mouths these Moon Beasts do indeed have weaknesses!
Jones: Such as? Be nice to know cuz I'm kinda tired of smacking my elbows against plywood sheets here....
Kickass: All the better to temper those elbows into STEEL, soldier! Complaining is for civilians, and you are no longer a civilian!!
Jones: Yes, sir.
Kickass: Know that even though the Moon Beasts are like walking tombstones, their lack of mobility can be used to your advantage! However, their lack of eyes does not mean they cannot sense your presence, and their lack of speed does not mean they are not capable of lashing out with the speed of 1,000 crocodiles if you draw too near!
Jones: Okay, so don't get too close...
Kickass: Also, although letting a civilian fall is unacceptable, in the event one is being feasted on, the Moon Beast will be completely occupied with the meal before him! An excellent opportunity to strike! One tactic I had considerable success with was the use of hand gernades thrown directly into the mouths of the beasts!
Jones: That's awesome!
Kickass: Indeed it was, soldier! But I warn you, it makes quite a mess!
Jones: So hand gernades, firearms, what else?
Kickass; In the event we are under siege by a Moon Beast horde, such weapons may not be available! If this is the case, our own bodies will have to sucfice as weapons! You call yourself the Prince of Elbows, so we will temper them until...
Jones: They are like steel...
Kickass: Did I tell you to finish my sentence soldier?!?
Jones: Well, you do say it alot...
Kickass: I will not have backtalk in my outfit! Hit the course again and I better not see one more piece of celebrity cardboard hit the ground!
Jones: Yeah, but, uh, you're just standing on this hill doing that with a wrist rocket. How am I supposed to....
Kickass: Do not question my methods! I do this for your safety and the safety of the world you live in! There is a storm coming and Tommy Fiero is not capable of defending it this time!!
(Kickass starts pacing while orating, and Frog mouths along silently, as if he's heard this speech a thousand times before)
Kickass: I do not know what has happened to The Earth Defender, I do not know if he is in league with the very same forces that he fought so hard to repel months back but it has become clear to me that I need to train a new stock of Earth Defenders, or we will all be doomed!
(Kickass spins around on his heel, prompting Frog to stop mimicking, and advances on the Prince of Elbows with a stern yet caring look in his eye)
Kickass: Jones, you are part of that stock and I'm proud of how far you have come already, but you must be ready for an attack anytime, anywhere! Your tag match with Wyatt McKidd against The Black Rattler and Barbarian Warrior will be brutal and unrelenting, but you must still have the stamina to fight for hours afterwards if need be! This training is tough but you will thank me later, I proomise you!
Jones: Yes sir!
Kickass: Now hit that course again, soldier!
(Frog dashes off into the maze of Moon Beast boards, skipping his way through the mess while firing off elbow after elbow on his way to the finish. Captain Kickass stands watching, his arms crossed with a tight grin on his camo paint covered face...)
Kickass: Now that is a Demon Fighter if I ever saw one!
But, to make this scene even more strange, these lifesize celebrity cutouts are in various stages of disrepair, sending sporadic spurts of a dark red liquid high into the night air from their missing limbs and heads. It is amongst this mock carnage that you notice Team Ryder's very own Frog Jones forging his way through at a rapid pace, his face and body stained with red as he splits one plywood beast after another with quick, short elbow strikes on his way to the finish line atop a hill where a stern looking Captain Kickass watches, and waits....)
Jones: (Collapsing at the feet of Kickass, his breathing labored) How was that?
Kickass: Better....but still unacceptable! You better your time every time through, soldier, but civilian casualites increase incrementally!
Jones: (Sitting back and supporting his weight on his arms) With all due respect, sir, I thought this training was about fighting a horde of moon demons, not protecting celebrity cutouts...
Kickass: What you are fighting in this simulation are Moon Beasts! If you were fighting the same amount of Moon Demons there is not an army on earth that could aid you to victory!
Jones: Right....
Kickass: Do not mock me, soldier! And do not forget that defeating the forces of evil always comes secondary to saving the people of Earth, no matter what the cost!
Jones: But, they're everywhere! How am I supposed to protect everyone and keep safe myself?
Kickass: I managed to do so, in an arena filled with the beasts!
Jones: There's no way there was that many there...
Kickass: And then some! They were as one, marching upon the ring where Tommy Fiero fought for our salvation! As many as you see here and then thousands more, gnashing their horrific fangs as they tore through all that stood in their way!
Jones: But you saved so few....
Kickass: In combat, we do the best we can with the resources we have on hand! And there were not many that day! I had inadaquete time to prepare my troops, some of whom did not want to fight in the first place! I can say in all confidence we did our best that fateful day and have learned so much more because of what we went through!
Jones: Like, packing heat?
Kickass: Precisely! We have also learned that, despite their granite like hides and razor sharp tooth lined mouths these Moon Beasts do indeed have weaknesses!
Jones: Such as? Be nice to know cuz I'm kinda tired of smacking my elbows against plywood sheets here....
Kickass: All the better to temper those elbows into STEEL, soldier! Complaining is for civilians, and you are no longer a civilian!!
Jones: Yes, sir.
Kickass: Know that even though the Moon Beasts are like walking tombstones, their lack of mobility can be used to your advantage! However, their lack of eyes does not mean they cannot sense your presence, and their lack of speed does not mean they are not capable of lashing out with the speed of 1,000 crocodiles if you draw too near!
Jones: Okay, so don't get too close...
Kickass: Also, although letting a civilian fall is unacceptable, in the event one is being feasted on, the Moon Beast will be completely occupied with the meal before him! An excellent opportunity to strike! One tactic I had considerable success with was the use of hand gernades thrown directly into the mouths of the beasts!
Jones: That's awesome!
Kickass: Indeed it was, soldier! But I warn you, it makes quite a mess!
Jones: So hand gernades, firearms, what else?
Kickass; In the event we are under siege by a Moon Beast horde, such weapons may not be available! If this is the case, our own bodies will have to sucfice as weapons! You call yourself the Prince of Elbows, so we will temper them until...
Jones: They are like steel...
Kickass: Did I tell you to finish my sentence soldier?!?
Jones: Well, you do say it alot...
Kickass: I will not have backtalk in my outfit! Hit the course again and I better not see one more piece of celebrity cardboard hit the ground!
Jones: Yeah, but, uh, you're just standing on this hill doing that with a wrist rocket. How am I supposed to....
Kickass: Do not question my methods! I do this for your safety and the safety of the world you live in! There is a storm coming and Tommy Fiero is not capable of defending it this time!!
(Kickass starts pacing while orating, and Frog mouths along silently, as if he's heard this speech a thousand times before)
Kickass: I do not know what has happened to The Earth Defender, I do not know if he is in league with the very same forces that he fought so hard to repel months back but it has become clear to me that I need to train a new stock of Earth Defenders, or we will all be doomed!
(Kickass spins around on his heel, prompting Frog to stop mimicking, and advances on the Prince of Elbows with a stern yet caring look in his eye)
Kickass: Jones, you are part of that stock and I'm proud of how far you have come already, but you must be ready for an attack anytime, anywhere! Your tag match with Wyatt McKidd against The Black Rattler and Barbarian Warrior will be brutal and unrelenting, but you must still have the stamina to fight for hours afterwards if need be! This training is tough but you will thank me later, I proomise you!
Jones: Yes sir!
Kickass: Now hit that course again, soldier!
(Frog dashes off into the maze of Moon Beast boards, skipping his way through the mess while firing off elbow after elbow on his way to the finish. Captain Kickass stands watching, his arms crossed with a tight grin on his camo paint covered face...)
Kickass: Now that is a Demon Fighter if I ever saw one!